Heartbreak

I thought I knew heartbreak when I had my first break-up right out of school. It's now that I realise that you can't know heartbreak if you haven't known love, and I write love to make the distinction between infatuation and love clear.

While love knows no age, I truly believe that it is experienced differently at different stages of life. As a teenager, you only know attraction (I am assuming a normal teenager to be immature). Love, however, is a lot more and it is in your 20s that you experience love in its truest form. There is a reason why I am adding a number to love. During my very little but profound experience with love, I have realised that love is synonymous with sacrifice, tolerance, acceptance and permanence. I take that idea observing the love between a parent and his/her child. When you keep that perspective, you see how my idea of love fits into place. If you can love someone like a parent and be loved by that someone like a child, that love is worth keeping in life.

Permanence, however, is still tricky to deal with. I have been loved like a child, my needs have been put before the needs of that someone and in turn I have loved like a parent, giving more than demanding. How then do I accept the idea of stopping to love that someone? Isn't it bizarre if your mother tells you that she doesn't love you anymore and you must lead separate lives now? Imagine the fear and chaos it would lead if your relationship with your parents becomes as flimsy as your other relationships. We grow up with the sense of security that the world may turn upside down but family will stay forever. Permanence is a very important attribute of a parent-child relationship.

I am not saying everyone views a relationship the way I do. Some people like the idea that they can choose without having to be bogged down with the idea of permanence. I didn't start off the relationship clinging to it either. As time passed by and I realised the intensity of my feelings, I started to view it this way. Relationships need to be worked on. I decided that problems need to be sorted. Running away is not an option. Fights have to be resolved. Walking out is not an option. If you believe you have the option of an 'out', you unwillingly create the possibility of an 'out'. And so I incorporated sacrifice, tolerance, acceptance and sadly the idea of permanence to my view of my relationship.

As things started turning sour, I could not accept the idea of parting ways, I was already convinced with permanence. How am I to stop loving someone? It is an absurd concept. Sadly, reality remained stubborn and the heartbreak came nonetheless. A year of struggle taught me, that I was never wrong. I can not stop loving and I do not have to. Love is permanent and it will be so for me. But would I extend the attribute of permanence again to my next relationship? I highly doubt it. Not until I get married. Maybe not then either.

I do pray love is unlimited though. Can't have used up my love resource already. 

Purpose

Lately I have been questioning the meaning and purpose of my life. It seems my quarter life crises has hit early. My brain is the epicentre of a storm of thoughts. So many thoughts raging in my head, sometimes interconnected, sometimes completely unrelated.

I have had this phase for a couple of months now. Initially I attributed this dispondency and feeling of hopelessness to not having known what my immediate future held considering I was only studying for exams that would decide my immediate future. Now, I have my results and I know where my next two years would be spent. By June, 2014, I would be in one of the most coveted b-schools of this country, studying how to become a good manager. Quite an achievement in my opinion and I believe yours too. But then what? What would I do once I graduate? Do I work at a corporate job? Would that make me happy? The money would most definitely make me happy. But for how long? Would that job give me some purpose in life or would I feel like a robot conditioned to do the bidding of others? If not a corporate job then would I be an entrepreneur? Would I even have a business idea to start with? Would that be a satisfying career for me? If yes how would this MBA help me?

Questions and more questions. Any rational human would tell me that my questions would all be answered in due course and that I could not possibly know all that unless I learn and experience more. But sadly enough my questions have started crawling on another trajectory. What kind of future do I even see for myself? In all honesty, I have never been a very ambitious person. While I can't be a housewife, I don't see myself climbing the corporate ladder to be an influential businesswoman either. Such a future comes at a cost. The cost of family, one which I am not willing to pay. I want a content and quiet life for myself. A life with a sense of purpose while at the same time a life with a loving companion. I do not want a life where I am constantly fighting for time. I do not wish to chase empty goals. I want to make a change but I want to do that at my pace. I value people in my life. I value them a lot more than a fancy high paying job. I do believe my happiness lies with the people I love. But then again happiness is not just one thing or one person in your life. Its an amalgamation of people, love and purpose. How then am I to keep that perfect balance? I fear that the direction in which I am heading right now would dis-balance the scales of my happiness.

I think that I know what I want but I also fear making decisions based on my very limited experiences. There is a reason something is coveted. People see the future I am heading towards as a desirable one. Am I being immature by forming conclusions based on incomplete knowledge? Or am I just questioning conformism? What other people might think desirable does not necessarily have to give me happiness. What then is the right thing to do?

I believe I can take comfort in the idea that as humans we tend to make mistakes. We make wrong decisions all the time but we learn from them. I just hope to never regret any decisions I make. Regret is by far the worst burden in life. At just 22 years of age, I am already aware of it. Whatever happens in life, I don't want regret to ever be a part of it again. Ever.